Ana Torrado, a 52-year-old administrator from Madrid, had no idea what kinkeeping until a minute ago. “But now that you mention it, I will tell you that I totally agree with that idea,” she acknowledges in an exchange of messages. He kinkeeping It is the invisible task of keeping the family together. It is based on communication and organization, on creating and maintaining family traditions. On calling to ask how things are and if you are coming to dinner on Sunday. It is the glue that keeps the family together. This sociological term began to be used in the mid-20th century, but it has only begun to gain traction in recent years. Many women like Torrado are unfamiliar with the word, but almost all of them can relate to it when given a couple of examples.
“Running a house is not just about shopping, cleaning and cooking,” explains Torrado, who has been married for 26 years, has two children aged 21 and 16 and a mother of 82. “It means doing laundry almost every day because my children play on a sports team. It means keeping an eye on the calendar in case you have a doctor’s appointment. It means that if someone close to you has a birthday, you have to remind your children and husband to wish them a happy birthday, and then buy the gift on behalf of everyone. If we are organizing a party, in a large family like mine, it means preparing the food taking into account those who are allergic to eggs, vegetarians or those who drink non-alcoholic beer… And if I let my husband organize it, I’m sure he wouldn’t have to take into account so many details.” kinkeeping It is, as Torrado defines it, a long-distance race. And the most frustrating thing is that when you reach the finish line, there is not always someone to celebrate.
The mentions of the kinkeepers began to increase in the sociological literature in the 1980s and 1990s. “But it was common to regard these activities as less worthy of empirical research than more economically impactful topics, such as the effects of maternal employment on child development,” explains Laura Brown, a sociologist at New York University and one of the world’s leading experts on kinkeeping. That is why there are hardly any quality longitudinal studies on the subject. She has been filling this knowledge gap for more than a decade. In a 2010 study, Brown analyzed the kinship patterns of 227 families. The study confirmed that the kinkeeping It was a predominantly female phenomenon and pointed out its consequences.
The children of a heterosexual couple tend to be more closely linked to their maternal grandparents than to their paternal grandparents, up to 22 points out of 100 according to the study. Maternal preference held even if paternal grandparents lived closer. This idea has been endorsed in numerous studies that have named the phenomenon the matrilineal advantage. Women give greater importance to the family and actively work to keep it together, which is why, in a couple with children, closeness to the maternal family always prevails. It is not known whether this difference has a biological or cultural origin, but it is a widely studied phenomenon.
These effects are much more evident when a traumatic event occurs in the family nucleus, as Brown points out: “My research colleague Sara DeRycke and I found that when the middle generation divorced, there was an increase in behaviors of kinkeeping on the part of the maternal grandparents, and a decrease in contact (and contact) on the part of the paternal grandparents.” This was especially evident in the years immediately after the divorce and was more pronounced a few years ago, because women tended to be left with custody and fathers with visitation. There is no scientific literature on the matter, but it is reasonable to think that with the normalization of shared custody, these effects have been diluted.
He kinkeeping It began to be studied more than half a century ago. The situation of women has changed a lot in this time, with their incorporation into the labor market and social awareness of gender inequalities. But despite the changes, this phenomenon has remained something eminently feminine. Brown points out possible causes. “There is probably a biological component, but it could also date back to early human hunter/gatherer societies, where men hunted while women stayed in the villages and literally kept the home fires burning.” Furthermore, she explains, there is an environmental factor that begins to manifest itself from childhood. Girls are educated to care from a young age, with dolls and house games from a very young age. “We teach our daughters and granddaughters to take care of the family, but we do not train our sons or grandchildren to be parents or caregivers,” laments the expert. “In societies where there is a strong demarcation between gender roles, the effects are even more pronounced, as boys are ridiculed for being sensitive or affectionate, because these virtues are conceived as unmanly.” The differences develop in childhood and the results are evident when they reach adulthood.
A 2017 study from the University of Nebraska asked volunteers to identify with the role of kinkeeper. Ninety-one percent of those who applied were women. Kinkeeper, a family-life management app, is used by women at a ratio of three to one, according to internal data provided by Jill Micha, the company’s founder. “I think women have carried that burden for generations because we think a lot of things matter,” Micha reflects. “Sometimes they really matter and sometimes they don’t, but we’ve made caring for others’ needs a priority, making it a cultural and multigenerational norm. That makes women feel both valued and exhausted.” The data seems to support her point: 68% of mothers say they suffer from parental burnout, compared with 48% of men.
Play the role of kinkeeper It requires an emotional and time-consuming effort that not everyone is willing to make. But it brings a clear and collective benefit. Research suggests that the quality of family ties has a huge impact on health, happiness and even longevity. “The inequality in this is that it is a benefit enjoyed by many and it is only women who are responsible for producing it,” explains Belén Alfonso, a psychologist specialising in gender studies.
“I don’t know to what extent families are solid entities that remain united over time or if this union depends on specific people who exercise this role in a more or less chosen or imposed way,” reflects Alfonso. “But it is clear that keeping relationships healthy requires emotional work.” This work, the psychologist points out, has been made invisible for years. That is why it is important to find a name for it and study its impact. “The concept of kinkeeper comes to shed light on the existence of this work and on the fact that it is carried out, for the most part, by the women of the family. And here there is a great expression of inequality.”
The concept of the traditional nuclear family, understood as a heterosexual couple with shared biological children, has evolved, explains Alfonso. It has lost its hegemony. “For a long time in the social sciences when we talk about family We refer to the multiple forms that a family system can take in which affections, traditions circulate and socialization roles are fulfilled. But in all these diverse families there is a common point, the figure of the kinkeeper It is essential to keep them together.
In recent years, there has been a lot of talk about the chosen family. But in modern societies, maintaining ties with one’s biological family beyond the age of 18 is also a choice. Extended families are chosen to the extent that those ties can be broken or strengthened. With increasing diversity in age structure, composition and forms within families, it is more important than ever to explore the glue that binds a group of people together across time, distance and divorce. American sociologists call it skincarebut in the end it is something as simple and concrete as when your mother calls you to ask how you are and asks you to come home for lunch on Sunday.
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