how to announce it to your children?
Lhe Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton, who spoke this Friday March 22 in a video message broadcast by Kensington Palace, announced that she had cancer. Mother of three children aged 10, 8 and 5, she clarified: “It took us time to explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis, in a way suited to them and to reassure them that I will go GOOD. »
By evoking the young siblings, she recounted, implicitly, this (other) ordeal of announcing the illness to the children. A situation that many parents face. Temporality, terms, emotions… Child psychiatrist Anne Senequier gives her advice on how to do it best.
Point : Is there a better way to tell your child(ren) about your illness?
Anne Senequier: There is no one best way to do it, but there are details to pay attention to, such as the location or temporality you choose. We will therefore prefer our home – the child seeing it as a reassuring place, a refuge – rather than an external place, which would subsequently be imbued with this difficult announcement. We will also prefer to have time in front of us: not between two doors or at bedtime – the child finding himself alone, with unanswered questions.
In fact, this first discussion is not an end in itself: questions emerge after such an announcement. It is also important to tell your children: “This is what we know today. If you have any other questions, don't hesitate, we will try to answer them. » Doing so means reminding them that we are a reference person for them, at the same time as telling them that this is not a taboo subject.
Can we talk about the future? How ?
Of course. The youngest (3-6 years old) are very anchored in the present and do not have the capacity to project themselves very far into the future. However, it is advisable to discuss the next step with your children (all ages), especially if it involves treatment to cure this disease. We don't say “so and so is sick, period”, but continue with “we have an appointment with a doctor so that he can be treated, etc.” “.
It is also important to tell them what will change in the organization of their daily life (childcare arrangements, activities, etc.). As a person's illness generally disrupts the schedule of those around them, the idea is – in measure of what is predictable – so that children are not caught off guard. Talking about it also means informing them that priority is given to the healing of the family member affected by the illness. If it is important to continue to give them the attention they crave, they will understand and embrace it.
Should we adapt our speech according to the age of the children?
This is preferable because we do not say the same thing to a teenager as to a 6 year old child: cognitively, they are not armed in the same way. We can speak to all of the siblings, then respond to each one according to the way in which they – depending on their maturity – have processed the information. But the best thing, in my opinion, is to announce the illness to each of them, individually. Of course, this must be done within a short time frame so that no one has the feeling of holding a secret.
Are there any comments or terms to avoid?
Here again, we will adapt our remarks to the age of the children. But there are general semantic precautions to respect – all ages combined – if we do not want to worry them unnecessarily. It is preferable, for example, not to talk to them about “tumor”, which they may associate with “you are dying”, in two words. And, more generally, not to drown them in medical terms. If older people want to know more – which will probably be the case – we can explain things to them simply, saying that cancer is “cells that do anything” and that, if that is the case, the case, “move to other organs”. The most important thing is to provide clear answers to all their questions.
This announcement is sometimes a test for the parents themselves. What do you tell them?
I tell them not to delay telling their children what they are going through. Indeed, the latter – particularly when they are over 10 years old – are sensitive to the general atmosphere and generally sense quite quickly that something is not right. They can then be in the interpretation and tempted to imagine the worst.
However, it is essential to do it when you feel capable. Parents must have absorbed the shock themselves so as not to collapse in front of their children. Crying is not so serious, it shows that the adult is not fighting against his emotions. But it is preferable – if possible – to make this announcement between two people: if one starts to be too emotional, then the other can take over. This will show that it is not just the person affected by the illness who speaks out but that it is also the family's business and that there is unity.